


Erase Me Whole

by anthrop



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Altered Mental States, Alternate Universe - No Sgrub Session, Body Horror, Chatlogs, Exorcisms, F/M, Ghosts, Helmsman, I hope, Multi, Revolution, Sadstuck, not actually as sad as it sounds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-28
Updated: 2013-01-28
Packaged: 2017-11-27 08:50:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/660096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anthrop/pseuds/anthrop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You were a yellowblooded psionic with a dead lusus, a dead moirail, and a mouth that never knew when to shut up. She was the Heiress Apparent to the throne of the Alternian Empire. It was doomed from the start, and you should have known that. After all, you were always something of an expert when it came to being doomed.</p>
<p>(Or, How Sollux Captor Made The Hard Choice And Saved A Revolution From Blowing Up In Everyone's Faces)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Erase Me Whole

**Author's Note:**

> (Edit: Changed Karkat's typing color since my request to get Kankri's color added to the Homestuck skin went through.)
> 
> Inspired by and references to: [much too far out all my life](http://archiveofourown.org/works/305397) by strangequark and [All the Colors You Thought Were Kings](http://archiveofourown.org/works/436606) by byzantienne, both of which are incredible fics that I _highly_ recommend you reading in your spare time.
> 
> Title from ["Honeybee"](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojYK6CW8gdw) by Steam Powered Giraffe.

 

 

 

 

_You didn't have to smile at me_

_Your grin's the sweetest that I've ever seen_

_But you did, yes you did_

 

=

 

It’s easy to make big promises, when you’re young. It’s when you have to pay up that they become regrets.

You were a yellowblooded psionic with a dead lusus, a dead moirail, and a mouth that never knew when to shut up. She was the Heiress Apparent to the throne of the Alternian Empire. It was doomed from the start, and you should have known that. After all, you were always something of an expert when it came to being doomed.

After the whole awful FLARP debacle, you wanted nothing more than to reduce Vriska Serket to a pile of charred bones. However, Alternian law--as Terezi explicitly reminded you (amid numerous typos as she relearned how to type)--was _incredibly_ biased against lowbloods. In the eyes of the Empire, you were just another battery that hadn’t been plugged in yet. A GPS that hadn’t been calibrated. A pissblood in need of a quadruple amputation and some extensive pan surgery. If you even tried to take Vriska on--let alone kill her--you would be culled before you ever made it home.

Even knowing all this didn’t stop you from wanting _some_ kind of revenge, and it wasn’t Terezi that stopped you from taking it. It was Feferi.

 

\-- cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] \--

CC: S-----EARIOUSLY Sollux, t)(ere’s nofin to be done! If t)(ere was BE-R--EEF me I would have done it my mys)(ell.

CC: As a BLU-EBLOOD, Vriska was in the rig)(t w)(en she krilled Aradia since Aradia attacked her first! It was tec)(nically s)(ell-defense, EV-EN T)(OUGH s)(e used you as )(er weaprawn.

CC: T)(e same laws apply for w)(at s)(e did to Terezi too, and t)(e courts sea )(er actions against Tavros as acceptable since )(e was disobeying w)(at could be considered a direct order.

CC: W)(ich is all TOTAL CULLS)(IT but nevertheless it is all still very legal. 38/

TA: holy 2hiit cc can you 2top with your quirk for like two miinutes ii am 2o not iin the mood toniight.

CC: )(MMMMMM I am sensing some bias )(ere since YOU’R----E obviously not going to stop using your quirk BUT because I am not an INCONSIDERAT--E BASS)(OL-----E pike SOM--E PEOPL---E, I’ll stop.

CC: See? No more quirk. I’ll even hold off on my puns for you.

CC: Better?

TA: thank2.

TA: ii gue22.

CC: I’m only doing this because you’re obnoxiously adorable when you’re moping!

TA: mopiing are you fuckiing 2eriious.

TA: vrii2ka ha2 liiterally ruiined everythiing good iin my liife and you thiink ii’m MOPIING??

CC: Sollux will you stop thinking about yourself for once? You were not the only one affected by all of this!

CC: Honestly Sollux, you’re being really selfish! And I think you realize that! Think about Aradia, Tavros, and Terezi!

TA: no 2hiit what el2e do you thiink ii’ve been doiing?? ii 2should have realiized iit wa2 aa’2 voiice ii wa2 heariing before iit wa2 two late two do anythiing.

TA: ii 2houldn’t have helped gc get iin touch wiith that whiite text douchebag otherwii2e vrii2ka would 2stiil have two arm2 and gc wouldn’t be bliind.

TA: 2hiit ii bet there wa2 2omething ii could have done two help at two ii ju2t diidn’t giive a 2hiit to thiink of anythiing.

CC: OH MY COD SHUT UP SOLLUX! >38(

CC: Whoops, that one slipped out, sorry.

TA: iit’2 cool.

CC: Look, I know you’re grieving and I know all you want to do right now is take out your anger on Vriska, but that’s not something you can do! I KNOW Terezi has talked your fins off about the legal system, so I know YOU know what would happen to you if you tried!

TA: ii don’t care. that biitch de2erve2 two diie and everybody know2 iit.

CC: Sollux, you’ll be culled!

TA: II 2AIID II DONT CARE!!

CC: 38O

TA: maybe ii don’t WANT two be aliive anymore diid that occur two you??

TA: maybe ii ju2t want two 2ee vrii2ka’2 2tupiid face melt off her 2kull before ii diie.

TA: iit would be worth iit. for aa’2 2ake.

CC: Are you even listening to yourself anymore? That is the LAST thing Aradia would ever want you to do!

TA: and how do you know what 2he would want??

TA: the two of you are LIITERALLY on oppo2iite 2iide2 of the hemo2pectrum liike you couldn’t be farther apart iif you triied how could you know ANYTHIING about aa’2 liife??

CC: That’s exactly my point! I don’t know what it’s like for landdwellers. My WHOLE LIFE has been planned for me since before I was even hatched, but everybody assumes I’ll never even make it to eleven sweeps because the Empress will cull me for the throne.

CC: Things are WRONG, Sollux. Our whole species is so messed up and all I want to do is help people! But we don’t help people in need, we just cull them and use their blood for dye!

CC: And in case I’m not being clear, that is really, RE-----ELY fucked up.

CC: I don’t want to fight the Empress, but I will because that’s what it will take to change anything. I may be the heiress but until I’m the only tyrianblood alive I’m just another fishertroll with a really hungry lusus!

TA: the empre22 ha2 been gone for 2o long that thiing only re2pond2 two you now right?

TA: you know you could alway2 ju2t 2top feediing that mon2ter.

CC: 38O

CC: I couldn’t! She’d get so hungry she’d raise her voice. Anything above a whisper and the maroonbloods would start to die!

TA: exactly.

CC: What?

TA: who piilot2 the 2tar2hiip2 cc?

TA: the lowblood2. take u2 out and the whole iimperiial army break2 down.

TA: iit wouldn’t even take that long 2iince iit’2 rare for helm2men two be hiigher than greenblood2.

TA: 2ure iit’d wiipe out a lot of the adult populatiion two but iif you want my opiiniion that doe2n’t 2ound liike a bad iidea two me. they’re all ju2t a bunch of outdated a22hole2 iin 2pace2uiit2.

TA: you want a fre2h 2tart cc well iit won’t get any fre2her than culliing the old and educatiing the new riight? by the tiime you’re empre22 the next generatiion of a22hole2 wiill be ready two hatch.

TA: iit’2 a 2oliid plan and don’t pretend iit ii2n’t.

TA: cc you 2tiill there?

CC: Yes, I’m still here.

CC: I just... I can’t believe you think I would ever do such a thing, Sollux! 38(

TA: ii don’t. your collap2iing and expandiing bladder ba2ed aquatiic va2cular 2y2tem is two 2oft two ever do 2uch a thiing.

TA: iit’2 goiing two get you kiilled one niight but ii thiink iit’2 my favorite thiing about you??

TA: oh my god why am ii 2tiill talkiing you mu2t thiink ii’m 2o dumb FUCK

CC: I don’t think you’re awful. I think you’re sad and angry and uncertain what to do next.

CC: I also think this self-absorbed mopey shit is kinda cute. 38)

CC: BUT I want you to promise me something.

TA: what’2 that?

CC: The same thing you promised Terezi! Don’t go after Vriska. She’s not worth it and you’ll just get culled.

CC: Wouldn’t it be better to change the way we’re taught as wigglers so this doesn’t happen to someone else?

TA: ii don’t thiink that wiill ever happen two be hone2t but you know what fuck iit.

TA: ii’m two tiired two deal wiith thii2 anymore, but iif iit wiill make you feel better ii promii2e ii won’t try two cull vrii2ka.

CC: Thank you!

TA: and

CC: And?

TA: and iif you want my help iin the future you’ve got iit.

CC: R-------E---ELY? 38)

TA: ehehehe yeah of cour2e. anyfiin at all.

CC: 38D

CC: Okay Sollux, I’m going to )(old you to t)(at promise. To bot)( of t)(em!

CC: Don’t worry, Vriska will get )(er due eventually. I’ll make S)(OR---E of it!

You promised the both of them, Terezi and Feferi, for Aradia. At first it was just to keep your head down and draw as little attention to yourself even as you _seethed_. Later, when Feferi started to garner genuine supporters amid the lowbloods (a term she hated _fiercely_ ), you became her reluctant representative. Words from the Heiress Apparent had more weight when a pissblood spoke them, you learned.

At six and a half sweeps, Tavros joined you, strutting around on gleaming prosthetic legs like a troll reborn. Even with his stammer and your lisp, the lowbloods _listened_.

At seven sweeps, midbloods started to listen to Feferi through Kanaya, Terezi, and Nepeta when she could evade Equius’ heavy-handed moirailing. The midbloods _listened_.

At eight sweeps, even some of the inbetweeners perked up, and not in the kill-everybody-in-a-five-mile-radius kind of way. Even they kind of seemed surprised at themselves. The highbloods _listened_.

People were listening, sure, but it wasn’t _enough_. Nobody was _doing_ anything yet, and time was running out. The Imperial Drones were less than a sweep away, and Ascension loomed like a meteor strike beyond that. All of you felt the pressure. None of you knew what the hell could be done to really ignite the people your age, let alone the adults listening in on the feed.

And that’s when Karkat Vantas, King Asshole of Planet Douchebag, hemononymous paranoiac, and already your best friend back when toes were the greatest thing since sliced grubloaf, revealed himself to be the honest-to-god Signless Sufferer reborn, and there it was. Him and his mutant blood and his impressive ability to scream down any problem’s throat until it turned belly up--Karkat was the catalyst the revolution needed.

 

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] \--

TA: look ff you knew thii2 wa2 never goiing two be a bloodle22 tran2iitiion 2ome troll2 were alway2 goiing two be agaiin2t rockiing the boat.

TA: tho2e kiind of troll2 need two have theiir pan2 examiined iin my opiiniion but whatever.

CC: I know, I know! But t)(at doesn’t mean I )(ave to pike it! 38(

TA: ehehehe ju2t be happy kk ii2 on our 2iide. diid you 2ee what he diid to the drone2 up north la2t week?

CC: I KNOW! 38D Isn’t my Karcrab the GR---EAT-EST?

TA: ii don’t know about kk beiing the greate2t at anythiing but yeah he’2 one hell of an iinciiter.

TA: diid you hear they’re calliing hiim the advocate now?

CC: R--E-ELY? He )(asn’t mentioned it.

TA: he probably ha2n’t fiigured out iif he’2 proud two have already earned a tiitle planet2iide or iif iit ju2t make2 hiim look like a 2howboatiing hoofbeast2hiiter.

CC: W)(at’s )(e the Advocate of anyway?

TA: hell iif ii know. blood maybe?? everyone ii2 2tiil 2o hung up on that.

CC: W)(ale for good glubbing R--EASON, s)(elly! It’s written t)(at the Sufferer prop)(esied Karcrab’s )(atc)(ing and said it would be the sign of the END TIM--ES!

TA: have you been talkiing two tz agaiin about all that anciient hii2tory? you know kk hate2 that 2tuff.

CC: MAYB----E! 38) But isn’t all of t)(is ---EXCITING, Sollux?

TA: well yeah no 2hiit ff, there’2 a legiitiimate chance we miight overthrow your ance2tor and e2tablii2h a 2ociiety that ii2n’t grubfuckiing iin2ane.

TA: iif thii2 actually work2 ii wiill probably be the happiie2t troll on alterniia at lea2t untiil the iineviitable 2hiit2torm raiin2 down on u2.

CC: Oh quit being suc)( a glubbing sour-octopuss!

TA: ehehehe fiine.

TA: 2o apart from feeliing 2hiity about a couple of death2 you liiterally had no way of preventing, what diid you want two glub about?

CC: STRAIT TO BUSIN-ESS! 38)

CC: I need to know w)(at it will take to build a starfis)(s)(ip!

TA: what why??

CC: W)(ale since it’s obvious t)(e Condesce isn’t t)(reatened enough)( by our revolution to return to Alternia, I’m going to )(ave to face her MYSH---ELL in space! And )(ow can I do t)(at wit)(out a s)(ip?

CC: I CAN’T!

CC: So I t)(oug)(t I would ask you if you knew anyfin aboat building s)(ips, and even if you didn’t I t)(ought you mig)(t know w)(ere to find out!

TA: ...

CC: Sollux?

CC: Are you still t)(ere?

TA: 2hiit yeah of cour2e that’2 all you were thiinkiing of 2orry, don’t miind me ii wa2 way off WOW

TA: yeah ii know 2tar2hiips liike the back of my hand what do you need two know?

CC: Wade, w)(at did you t)(ink I was glubbing aboat?

TA: forget iit ff.

CC: O)( my cod. 38(

TA: 2eriiou2ly iit’s cool ii know you weren’t thiinkiing of that.

CC: You t)(oug)(t I was goiing to glub you to be my )(elmsman!

CC: Don’t lie to me, Sollux! T)(at’s what you t)(ought, wasn’t it?

TA: ...

CC: Sollux I know t)(at’s a s-oar tropic for you! I would N---EV-ER ask you to do t)(at! 38O

TA: oh look at the tiime iit’2 let’2 change the 2ubject o’clock ready 2et go.

TA: you want a 2tar2hiip of your own you’re goiing two have two comii2iion one or 2teal one. 2ince they’re buiilt iin 2pace iit wiill probably have two be 2tolen unle22 you get 2ome really good connectiion2 wiith the mechavii2cerator2.

TA: ii know a troll who know2 a troll who miight be able two help you out eiither way. ii’ll get iin touch wiith them for you.

TA: ii need two go now, 2ound2 liike tz ii2 comiing back.

CC: Sollux )(old on!

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] \--

Okay yeah, you were a bulge for shutting Feferi down like that. You were _two_ bulges. She’d been nothing but awesome to you ever since Aradia died, and everything she’d done to eliminate hemocastism and the retardedly strict culling laws was awesome too. The best part was that even _your_ pessimistic ass thought there was a legitimate chance of the revolution succeeding, and that impressed just about everybody who knew you.

But Feferi was right. The Empress had already made it clear she didn’t give a flying fuck about what the wigglers were up to on Alternia. Hell, it was starting to look like she wasn’t even going to comply with the Rite of Challenge, the one-on-one duel between Empress and Heiress to decide which tyrianblood would reign. Was she too far away to care anymore? Did she believe in stupid old prophesies about the end days too?

Ugh, fuck the Empress. Crazy old bitch had been in charge for generations too long. Feferi could take her, you knew. You’d never been more certain of anything in your life.

The question was how to get her to the Batterwitch.

No, that was wrong. The question--the thought that twisted your guts up and shorted out your psionics for brief, paralyzing seconds--was not how, but _whom_.

A ship wasn’t a ship without a pilot. Could you trust Feferi in the amputated hands of some other unlucky dirtblood? You looked down at your hands and remembered the daymares you used to get when you were first schoolfed about helmsmen and wetware, you at three sweeps old and so proud of your first servercomb. You used to thrash awake in your coon, seed flap full of sopor and thinkpan full of awful images--highblood colored tentacles growing out of your clawbeds, eating their way up your arms, hugging your hips, licking wet trails around your empty ocular sockets...

Even at nine sweeps you still shuddered. Becoming a helmsman--now _that_ was a daymare every lowblood with even a whisper of psychic power feared.

 

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] \--

AA: y0ure thinking ab0ut d0ing it arent y0u

TA: augh 2hiit!

TA: how the hell do you do that?? vrii2ka’2 the miind reader and ii’m the one wiith vii2iion twofold 2o what giive2??

AA: im n0t using any psychic p0wers i just kn0w you

AA: y0ure thinking 0f bec0ming feferis helmsman

AA: that wasnt a questi0n by the way

TA: yeah yeah re: you kn0w me.

AA: w0uld y0u really g0 thr0ugh with it th0ugh

TA: fuck ii don’t know.

TA: ii mean, iit’2 either ii pilot ff’2 2tar2hiip, help her overthrow the conde2ce, and ree2tablii2h our corrupt a2 FUCK 2ociiety iinto 2omethiing hopefully a lot less 2hiity

TA: or ii don’t piilot ff’2 2tar2hiip, we are all culled two obliiviion, and nothing change2.

TA: when ii look at iit like that ii don’t really have any choiice.

AA: y0u always have a ch0ice thats the nice thing ab0ut still being alive

TA: no, ii don’t. and you know that.

AA: you sh0uldnt still be mad at vriska this was always g0ing to happen i was always g0ing to die

AA: and yes that means y0u were always g0ing to be the 0ne to kill me

TA: even iif event2 can’t be changed iit doe2n’t mean ii have two liike iit

AA: 0_0

AA: time d0esnt care whether y0u like it or n0t s0llux

AA: and timelines can be changed but n0t always f0r the better

TA: you’re contradiictiing your2elf aa can you change event2 or not?

AA: i said y0u can change timelines n0t events s0metimes things have t0 happen f0r a reas0n even if y0u d0nt like it

AA: but we have g0tten 0ff t0pic again

AA: i d0nt care h0w i died s0 why sh0uld y0u

TA: oh ii don’t know maybe iit’2 becau2e ii 2tiill have fuckiing feeliing2??

AA: 0h i guess that w0uld d0 it

TA: aa 2ometiime2 ii wii2h you had taken vrii2ka up on u2iing that creepy 2oulbot eq built for you when we were 2iix ii thiink iit would have helped you be liitle le22 depre22iing two talk two

AA: im n0t trying t0 be depressing i just d0nt care

TA: ii know. fuck ii know.

AA: and ii th0ught ab0ut using that r0b0t but the v0ices said it w0uldnt change anything s0 i didnt see any p0int

AA: the v0ices are never wr0ng after all

TA: the voiice2 can go 2uck my choiice bone bulge.

TA: ii ju2t wii2h there wa2 2omethiing ii could do two help you.

AA: there is

TA: what ii2 iit?

AA: i cant tell y0u yet

AA: n0t until you make a decisi0n

TA: for fuck’2 2ake are you 2eriiou2?

AA: 0_0

TA: fiine. ii’ll let you know what ii’m goiing two do a2 2oon a2 ii figure that out my2elf.

AA: 0kay

TA: ii 2hould probably go now.

AA: yes y0u pr0bably sh0uld

AA: and i kn0w y0u have y0ur 0wn v0ices n0t t0 menti0n y0ur visi0n tw0f0ld t0 rely 0n but i just want y0u t0 kn0w that whatever y0u decide everything will pr0bably be 0kay in the end

TA: ...

TA: thank2 aa.

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] \--

Halfway through your ninth sweep, two things occurred that forced you to decide whether or not you became Feferi’s helmsman.

Thing the first: construction on not just one starship but an entire _fleet_ was at last completed with no small thanks to the few adults living on Alternia and the many others listening in on the feed. Granted, most of the fleet was comprised of refitted mediships--huge, bulbous things meant to hold little more than medical equipment and blood bags. Three starships had once been a part of the medilacerator fleet, and they were long and sleek things, designed for high speed in empty space but with enough power to punch through even the densest of atmospheres. However, even they paled when compared to Feferi’s ship.

The shining crown of Feferi’s fleet was the only fully commissioned starship, and it was a _gorgeous_ ship, all long, curved lines with an interior so tangled even the drones that built it needed a map to find the helmsblock. You were happier that it had the firepower to knock moons out of orbit rather than the fact she’d designed it to look like a cuttlefish, but eh, you were always a practical sort of troll. Still, you never would have guessed it but Feferi had paid the fuck attention during her schoolfeedings. No lie, girl could build a _devastating_ starship.

Thing the second: the night Feferi gathered her closest friends and advisors to celebrate the fleet’s completion was the night the Condesce herself said hello.

The alcohol had been flowing freely for over an hour, and amidst the cheering and general brawling noise of a hundred inebriated minors, no one immediately noticed the imagefeed on the audiovisual screen change. Nepeta was the first, and she’d unsheathed her claws and dropped to a defensive crouch before her cup hit the floor. One by one trolls looked down at her then to what her newly green eyes were narrowed at. One by one the crowd quieted, and when you finally looked your blood pusher skipped two beats.

_God_ , but Feferi was the spitting image of her.

The first live words your generation ever heard Her Imperious Condescension say were thus: “Whale, water you fuckin’ wigglers celabaitin’ down there on the home tide?”  Hardly intimidating, and yet your mouth dried up anyway. Did _every_ tyrianblood have a thing for puns?

Feferi shoved her way through the crowd until she was before the looming image of the Empress. She didn’t bother saying a word. Her smoking trident aimed at the screen said enough.

The Condesce laughed low and bawdy. You couldn’t help but stare at how eerily clean of lines her face was. How fucking old _was_ she? No one alive could remember the last Empress, and saltbloods lived a long, _long_ time. Would...

Would Feferi live that long too?

“Ain’t your gills a swim down memory lane?” Her eyes flared with bioluminescent light as she looked Feferi up and down like a prized oinkbeast. Her mouth was a nightmare of needle teeth behind full, painted lips. Feferi’s eyes. Feferi’s teeth. Feferi’s lips. Fuck. “You’re a betta resemblance than the school a’ beaches before you. Even got my symbol on your sacs. What’s your name?”

Feferi  snarled. “I am Feferi Peixes, Heiress Apparent and your glubbing successor!”

The Condesce, high holy terror of the galaxy, snorted. “I’ll bereef it when I see it, Peixes-wannabe.” Her backlit eyes traveled from troll to troll, shining brighter whenever they landed on your closest consorts. Not a troll could meet her gaze, even you. God you tried, but when she saw you she _cackled_ , and you chilled highblood cold to the bones with idiot fear.

“Oh my cod,” she said. “Oh my _cod_ , is that a Captor-wannabe I spy? It is, ain’t it? Swim on up to the screen if you know what’s good for you. I wanna see you up close.”

You did what she said. How couldn’t you? The others parted around you like a wave--too many damn puns, you were goddamn _drowning_ in puns--until it was just you and Feferi and the Empress, who looked down her nose at you like you were a peculiar little grub who’d crawled into her hive. For as old as she was, that was exactly what you were to her, you not even ten sweeps old with your mutant horns and mutant brain and mutant eyes--

“Ship, you even got the same oculars!” She said, confusing everyone and terrifying you. She cast her eyes--goddamn puns--to the back of the block one last time; to whom, you couldn’t see. You couldn’t turn to look even if you wanted to. “I called to poke some holes in Vantas point two, but I think nubby can wait another night. Got somefin special for you, Captor-wannabe.” From behind you came the noises of Karkat being apoplectically offended. You ignored him, watched the Empress turn with a long, slow sweep of her endless tangle of hair instead. “Helmsman! Wake yo dunkbass up, gotcha buoy here for a glub.”

The fuck?

She moved out of the imagefeed’s view, and everything went a blurred pink before the camera adjusted. Not just pink, no, _fuck_ no, that was a _lot_ of wetware, and in the meat pillar was a pilot built out of fangpicks and elbows. Yellowblood from the color on his suit, and the symbol stretched down his sunken chest--

No.

_Fuck_ no.

Your ancestor’s head lolled about drunkenly, pushed and pulled upright by the contractions of his wetware. His mutant horns, flaking and bleached of color, were long and skinny like him, like _you_. His gaunt face was a wreckage of red and blue lightning-shaped scars. His face was _your_ face, thirty pounds skinnier and two thousand sweeps older. And when his eyes cracked open behind the pink headgear--his mutant eyes were _your_ mutant eyes, but without even the barest spark of intelligence left.

Your ancestor, the Empress’ battery.

“What do you think, wannabes?” She swooped back into frame, filling every inch of the screen with gold jewelry and writhing hair. “Nofin pike a self-charging helmsman, he’s glubbin’ fintastic. Don’t you think so, Peixes-wannabe? You take the yellowblood out for a ride yet?”

“You don’t know _anyfin_ ,” Feferi spit. “You’re just an old, awful _seawitch_!”

The Empress pursed her lips. “Is that seariously the best insult you got, ‘cause if it is I’m already calling you grilled, babe.”

Feferi opened her mouth, maybe to retaliate, maybe to rattle off a dozen more fish puns, but you moved before she could say anything. You filled your hand with lightning and threw your arm up in a sharp slice of motion. A gash exploded across the floor, up the wall and straight through the ceiling. You splintered the audiovisual screen clean through into the next block just to shut the bitch up, but the connection hung on for one ragged second more to let her laugh bleed into your sponge clots.

All oculars turned to you.

Feferi and Karkat said your name at the same time, but you barely heard it over the pounding of your blood pusher, the hitch of your aerating sacs.

You ran.

 

\-- cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] \--

CC: Sollux PL-EAS---E come back I’m so sorry!

CC: I swear I )(addock no ID--EA )(er )(elmsman was your ancestor. I don’t even know )(ow s)(e )(as kept )(im alive all t)(ese sweeps.

CC: Please, Sollux. I want to kelp. 38(

 

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] \--

AC: :33 < *ac cr33ps cautiously up to sollux and meows sadly* pawlux are you there?

AC: :33 < ok i bet you want to be left alone fur now but i think you are being pawfully mean to fefurri!

AC: :33 < she is very upset right now and even though karkitty is a great meowrail she is missing you something fierce!

AC: :33 < so i think you should stop being so selfish and talk to her!

 

\-- centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] \--

CT: D --> Sollux I order you on behoof of our empress to return where you are required

CT: D --> While the empress no longer wishes the hemospectrum to be adhered to in the e%plicit terms of our youth, I f001y e%pect you to reply promptly if not to me than to your matesprit and your empress

CT: D --> I have previously made my feelings clear on your relationship with her, so I will not repeat myself here

CT: D --> However

CT: D --> Your shared lowb100dedness may be filthy, but it does not e%cuse what has been done to your ancestor

CT: D --> The Condescension’s actions are

CT: D --> Dare I say it

CT: D --> Ine%cusable

CT: D --> Oh my

CT: D --> I

CT: D --> I need a fresh towel

 

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] \--

AG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

AG: You should have seen your face at the party when the Condesce revealed her helmsman to 8e none other than your ancestor!

AG: It was pretty awesome. ::::)

AG: Anywaaaaaaaay, Feferi’s 8een hounding me to give you a shout. Not like you ever listen to your kismesis or anything, but I figured I owed her a favor for, well, you know.

AG: So this is your only chance to talk to me! I have entirely too many irons in the fire to w8 around for your slow 8utt to get around to replying, so hurry up!!!!!!!!

AG: Oh also Terezi and Kanaya have 8een collabor8ing a8out something to do with all of our ancestors. They wouldn’t shut up until I gave them everything I had from my old FLARP campaigns, so I guess expect one or 8oth of them to talk your sponge clots off a8out that eventually.

AG: ...

AG: Ugh you really are working the cold shoulder thing, aren’t you?

AG: You are so frustr8ing, you know that?

AG: <3<

AG: Whatever, sounds like there’s another attack coming in so I gotta 8ail.

AG: Just hurry the fuck 8ack from wherever you are. It is so 8ORING here without you around to 8ug. ;;;;)

 

\-- grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] \--

GA: Sollux Are You Currently At Your Computer

GA: ?

GA: If You Did Not Wish To Be Disturbed Why Did You Remain Online

GA: Perhaps You Merely Neglected To Log Out of Your Home Computer And Are In Fact Away From Keyboard

GA: Either Way I Assume You Will Get This Thanks To Your Habit Of Having No Less Than Five Computers On You At All Times Like The Insensible Troll You Are So

GA: Um

GA: I Know You Never Bothered To Look Into Your Ancestors Past Even After Karkat Divulged Both His Blood Color And His Connection To The Sufferer So I Took The Liberty Of Gathering What Information I Could

grimAuxiliatrix is sending file MyAncestorWasATotal8a8e.doc

GA: Most Of This Comes From Vriska But I Have Terezis Assurance To Its Validity

GA: He Was An Amazing Person Once

GA: I Hope You Realize That And Are Not Too Dismayed By His Current Appearance And Situation

GA: He Accomplished Quite A Lot Before His Capture and Enslavement It Is Actually Quite An Interesting Read Once You Are Inured To Mindfangs Longwinded Habit Of Documentation

GA: Also Um

GA: I Have Been Your Friend For A Long Time Sollux And Although We Never Entered A Quadrant Together I Would Like To Think You Trust Me Enough To Listen To Me On Occasion

GA: You Mustnt Be Afraid Now We Are All Here For You

GA: Please Reply To One Of Us Sollux But Only In Your Own Time  

 

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] \--

GC: ST1LL NOT T4LK1NG TO 4NY OF US, 4R3 YOU?

GC: TH1S B3H4V1OR 1S COMPL3T3LY UN4CCEPT4BLE FROM 4 R4NK1NG OFF1C3R SUCH 4S YOURS3LF, MR 4PPL3B3RRY BL4ST! 3XP3CT A S3V3R3 PUN1SHM3NT UPON YOUR R3TURN FROM B31NG 4 COMPL3TE TOOL >;]

GC: UGH TH1NGS H4V3 R34LLY B33N CR4ZY TH3S3 P4ST F3W N1GHTS S1NCE TH3 COND3SC3 CR4SH3D OUR TOT4LLY D3B4UCH3D N1GHT OF UND3R4GE DR1NKING 4ND C3L3BR4TORY SMOOCH1NG >:[

GC: 4ND YOU 4R3 M1SS1NG OUT ON 4LL TH3 BULLSH1T B3C4US3 4PP4R3NTLY TH3 ONLY TH1NG YOU COULD TH1NK TO DO 4FT3R S331NG UND3N14BL3 PROOF TH4T YOU AR3 TH3 D3SC3ND4NT OF 4 B4D4SS MOTH3RFUCK3R W4S TO GO W33P P1T3OUSLY BY YOURS3LF FOR 4 WH1LE

GC: TH3 V3RY P1CTUR3 OF PO1S3 4ND GR4C3, TH4T’S YOU 4LL OV3R SOLLUX

GC: OK4Y S4RC4SM 4S1D3 Y3S MR 4PPL4B3RRY BL4ST S3N1OR’S PR3D1C4M3NT SM3LL3D 4BSOLUT3LY FOUL

GC: 1T 4LSO SM3LL3D L1KE A ST1CK OF SOUR L3MON C4NDY STUCK 1N 4 G14NT BOWL OF WR1GGLY C4ND13D GR4P3FRU1T FL4VOR3D WORMS BUT 1 SUSP3CT YOU DO NOT G1V3 4 SH1T 4BOUT THAT!

GC: 4NYW4Y I HOP3 YOU GOT TH3 F1L3 K4N4Y4 S3NT YOU

GC: 1F YOU H4V3N’T R34D 1T Y3T DON’T WORRY 1 PURG3D 1T OF TH3 USU4L 1NS3NS1T1V3 SH1T SH3 L1K3S TO S3ND YOU

GC: 1 H4V3 NO 1D34 HOW YOU TWO 3ND3D UP GO1NG FROM W4NT1NG TO T34R 34CH OTH3R’S THRO4TST3MS OUT TO P1TCH P41L1NG

GC: 1’M SUR3 1T 1NVOLV3D 4 LONG 4ND H1L4R1OUS JOURN3Y OF SOUL S34RCHING, B4CKST4BB1NG, 4ND 1NCR3D1BL3 S3X

GC: 4CTU4LLY YOU KNOW WH4T? TH4T 1S NOT ONLY 4 STORY FOR 4NOTH3R T1M3, 1 H4V3 D3C1D3D 1 DON’T W4NT TO H34R TH3 STORY 4T 4LL

GC: PROM1S3 TO N3V3R 3V3R 3V3R F1LL M3 1N ON HOW MUCH BON1NG YOU TWO H4V3 DON3 TOG3TH3R 4ND 1 PROM1S3 N3V3R TO R3V34L THOS3 3MB4RR4SS1NG PHOTOS OF YOU 1 H4VE NUTB34ST3D 4W4Y >:]

GC: BUT B4CK TO TH3 F1L3 D1D YOU KNOW YOUR 4NC3STOR W4S THE S1GNL3SS’ R1GHT-H4ND TROLL?

GC: I B3T TH4T C4UGHT YOUR 4TT3NT1ON >:]

GC: YOU H4VE PROB4BLY NOT1C3D I 4M NOT R4MBL1NG TO MYS3LF 4BOUT WH4T 4ND WHO W3 W1TN3SSED ON TH3 1M4G3F33D!

GC: TH3 R34SONS 1 4M NOT 4RE TWOFOLD!

GC: (YOU 4R3 W3LCOM3 FOR THAT)

GC: F1RSTLY, 1 S33 NO PO1NT 1N SOL1LOQU1Z1NG TO MYS3LF 4BOUT TH3 TH3OR3T1C4L R34CT1ONS YOU H4D 4ND 4R3 CURR3NTLY H4V1NG 4BOUT MR 4PPLEB3RRY BL4ST S3N1OR

GC: S3CONDLY, YOU W1LL T4LK 4BOUT 4LL TH1S 1N YOUR OWN T1ME 3V3N 1F 1T 1SN’T W1TH M3, SO 1 W1LL NOT M4K3 4N 4TT3MPT TO GU1LT YOU 1NTO DO1NG 1T SOON3R

GC: SO TH3R3! 1 H4V3 S41D MY P13C3 4ND TH4T’S 4LL 1 C4N DO FOR NOW

GC: 1 4M GO1NG TO LOG OFF 4ND G3T SOM3 MUCH N33D3D R3ST

GC: 4S 1 ST4T3D PR3V1OUSLY, TH3 SH1T H4S K1ND OF H1T TH3 WH1RL1NG D3V1C3 1N YOUR 4BS3NC3 >:/

GC: NOTH1NG W3 C4N’T H3NDL3 THOUGH H3H3H3

GC: SO GOODBY3 FOR NOW

GC: OH W41T, ON3 L4ST TH1NG

GC: H1S N4M3 1S M1TUN4 >:]

 

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA] \--

CG: SOLLUX, YOU THERE?

CG: LOOK, I’M NOT EXPECTING A RESPONSE. GOD KNOWS YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH ASSHOLES FILLING UP YOUR INBOX WITH INANE BULLSHIT. TAVROS AND GAMZEE HAVE LEFT YOU ABOUT FIFTEEN AWFUL LOGS OF SLAM POETRY AND GOD KNOWS WHAT ELSE SO FAR, SO IF YOU HAVEN’T BEEN SUCKED INTO THAT VORTEX OF TERRIBLE CONSIDER THIS A WARNING.

CG: BUT ANYWAY IT’S BEEN ALMOST A WEEK AND FEFERI IS READY TO STIR UP A PLANET-WIDE SEARCH PARTY FOR YOU.

CG: I TRIED TO TELL HER THAT THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOUR MELODRAMATIC ASS IS HOPING FOR AND THAT WE SHOULDN’T PLAY INTO YOUR GAME OF TACTICALLY IGNORING US BECAUSE IF YOUR EGO GOT ANY BIGGER IT WOULD HAVE IT’S OWN GRAVITY WELL, BUT YOU KNOW FEFERI.

CG: JUST

CG: THAT BITCH IS GOING DOWN, OKAY? WE’RE GOING TO TEAR EVERY HORRIBLE THING SHE’S DONE DOWN AND THEN FEFERI IS GOING TO KEBAB HER ASS AND FEAST ON HER SECONDARY BILE-SACK AS IS HER RIGHT AS SUCCESSOR.

CG: I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW MUCH THAT CONTINUES TO SQUICK ME, BUT I’M NOT GOING TO BE THE ONE TO GET BETWEEN THAT GIRL AND HER BILE SACK.

CG: ANYWAY, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW I’M WORRIED ABOUT YOU, AND I’M HERE FOR YOU IF YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT

CG: YOU KNOW.

CG: WE ALL ARE.

CG: BUT SERIOUSLY I’M RUNNING OUT OF PAPS AND PATIENCE HERE, MAN. IF I HEAR ONE MORE FISH PUN I AM GOING TO START SCREAMING AND NEVER STOP, AND IT WILL BE ALL YOUR FAULT FOR NOT BEING HERE TO SHUT YOUR MATESPRIT UP.

CG: SO NO PRESSURE OR ANYTHING.

 

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] \--

TA: 2up.

AA: have y0u decided

TA: ye2.

TA: ii’m going two piilot ff’2 2hiip.

AA: g00d

AA: the v0ices say y0ure making the right ch0ice

TA: let the voiice2 know that the iinviitatiion to 2uck my choiice bone bulge i2 2till open.

TA: whoa that wa2 a lot of ii’s, 2orry.

TA: anyway 2o wiill you tell me how ii can help you now?

AA: yes

AA: i want y0u t0 ex0rcise me

TA: ...

TA: really?

Psychic trolls almost always came back as ghosts if they died violently (and as a troll, was there any other kind of death?). Only other psychics could exorcise them. Normally this was a job left to the exorcischismists, as a poorly executed exorcism had nasty tendencies to backfire. Explosively. Still, you were the best goddamn psionic planet-side and _no_ , that wasn’t your ego talking, that was a statistical _fact_. Plus--this was _Aradia_. How could you say no?

You landed near the grown-over ruins of her hive, carefully adjusted your coat against the cold. Her old dig sites had eroded some, and the recent rains had filed them with murky water. About twenty yards from where you stood you spied her weird alien-shaped husktop, open but in sleep mode. The tell-tale eerie silence of a haunted hive settled down around you, smothering even the sound of your exhale. It meant she was here.

“AA?” you asked hoarsely. You were out of practice with talking. You’d been hiding like a tool and a coward for over a week. Louder, you tried again. “Aradia?”

A chunk of rubble shuddered and rolled away from you, glowing an opaque maroon. Proof she was there and listening. That was the shitty thing; no matter how hard you tried, you were never able to hear the voices of the dead, just the soon-to-be dead. You hadn’t heard Aradia’s voice since you were five.

You scoffed. “Hey there. Going to come out of hiding or are we going to play chase?”

She flickered into sight like a badly edited CruelTube video, floating cross-legged next to her husktop. She waved.

The sight of her still made you grind your fangs. God, she was just so _small_. You waved back anyway.

With a fizz of ozone you pulled your husktop out and sat down on the damp grass.

 

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA] --

TA: 2o.

AA: s0

TA: ii gue22 there ii2n’t much two 2ay at thii2 poiint, ii2 there?

AA: n0 there isnt

TA: are you ready?

AA: i guess s0

TA: you don’t look all that ready.

AA: im as ready as ill ever be its just that i th0ught i w0uld acc0mplish more bef0re this p0int

TA: we don’t have two do thii2 now iif you don’t want two.

AA: n0 its n0w 0r never i d0nt trust any0ne else t0 d0 it and s00n y0u w0nt be in any p0siti0n t0 ex0rcise me

TA: ...

AA: are y0u scared

TA: are you?

AA: n0

AA: i am tired and ready t0 die c0mpletely

AA: its just s0metimes s0me 0f the v0ices say things that make me w0nder if things sh0uld have turned 0ut differently than they have

AA: s0llux d0 y0u remember th0se ruins i f0und sh0rtly bef0re i died

TA: the one2 wiith the weiird programmiing language all over the wall2? yeah, why?

AA: did y0u ever finish c0ding it

TA: no. after... all that 2hiit, ii kiinda forgot about iit, and you never 2aiid anythiing about iit either.

TA: why, 2hould ii have?

AA: i cant help but w0nder if i sh0uld have asked y0u t0 finish but 0h well

AA: its t00 late n0w t0 think t00 hard 0n it

AA: ive d0ne everything i c0uld in this timeline it is time f0r me t0 g0

AA: are y0u ready

TA: no.

TA: but ii’ll troll up for you, aa.

TA: before ii exorcii2e you though ii ju2t want you two know that ii never 2topped piityiing you, not really.

AA: i kn0w

AA: i cant say i feel the same way th0ugh s0 s0rry

AA: but the sentiment is nice

TA: ...

AA: c0me 0n s0llux y0u need t0 g0 back t0 feferi

TA: ii know.

TA: goodbye aa.

AA: g00dbye s0llux

AA: 0_0

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] has ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA] because they are no longer on this plane of existence! --

Well.

That... that was that.

There wasn’t much left for you to do.

 

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] \--

TA: hii.

CC: OH MY COD YOU’R-E ALIV----E! 38D

TA: what of cour2e ii am diid you hone2tly thiink ii’d diie on you thii2 clo2e to dethroniing that biitch??

CC: W)(ale no, not reely, but I )(ave been very worried aboat you!

CC: You s)(rimply VANIS)(---ED after you broke my V-ERY nice and V--ERY expensive audiovisual screen!

TA: oh yeah. 2orry about that.

TA: ii wa2 kiinda freakiing out two much two ju2t u2e the remote liike a normal troll.

CC: O)( don’t worry aboat it. I made Eridan buy a new one after )(e made a RE-ELY insensitive joke )(ardly five minutes after you swam out. >38)

TA: ehehehe awe2ome.

CC: But w)(ere )(ave you B-E--EN, Sollux? Did you get any of the messages I sent you?

TA: ye2, along wiith the fiifty miiliion other2 from everybody el2e.

TA: 2orry for not re2pondiing ii wa2 doiing a lot of thiinkiing and diidn’t want two talk two anybody ju2t yet.

CC: I understand. So since you’re talking to me now does t)(at mean you’ve finis)(ed t)(inking?

TA: ye2.

TA: ff ii’m goiing two be your piilot.

CC: W)(AT?!

CC: Sollux if I )(ave told you once I )(ave told you a t)(ousand times, I will never ------EV-----ER ask you to do t)(at!

CC: And that was B--EFOR-E )(er Lamprey-ous Condescension s)(owboated up!

TA: ii know and ii’m offeriing two do iit.

TA: look ii’m the 2econd mo2t powerful psiioniic aliive iin our entiire EMPIIRE, and ii 2ay 2econd only because miituna i2 2tiill aliive and gettiing regularly juiiced up by the batterwiitch.

CC: Mituna?

CC: O)(! T)(at’s )(is name? Your ancestor’s I mean.

TA: ...yeah.

TA: diidn’t tz or kn 2how you all that 2tuff about our ance2tor2?

CC: W)(ale shore! But I’ve been R-E--ELY busy trying to prep an entire generation of trolls for Ascension AND establish)( a new world order, or )(ave you FORGOTT--EN T)(AT?

TA: 2hiit 2orry, ii’ve been 2uch a 2elfiish douche lately how do you even put up wiith me ii mean WOW

CC: And T)(ER--E’S the mopey motherglubber I’m red for! 38D

CC: <3

TA: <3

TA: uh, anyway.

TA: iif you want a chance iin hell of catchiing up to the iimperiial fleet AND not gettiing blown two smiithereens once you get there, you’re goiing two need 2omeone iin your helm2block who know2 what the fuck they’re doiing.

TA: ii mean, almo2t every other 2hiip iin your fleet ha2 a reprogrammed mediishiip piilot iin the wetware. ii’m not 2ayiing ii diidn’t do a fuckiing amaziing job on theiir programiing becau2e ii totally diid, but even the be2t of them barely have the juiice to take on the fleet let alone her 2hiip.

TA: you de2iigned an iincrediible 2hiip, ff. ii don’t want two 2ee it blown up, e2peciially wiith you iin2ide.

CC: ...

TA: 2o ii’m goiing two be your helm2man, no iif2 and2 or but2, although ii do have two condiitiion2.

CC: Tell me.

TA: do you 2wear two do whatever ii a2k, ff?

CC: Anyfin! I promise I’ll do it for you.

TA: okay. fiir2t, you have two promii2e two plug me iin riight. ii mean all the way.

CC: O)( but Sollux, t)(at means surgery! PAN SURG-ERY! 38(

TA: and joint 2urgery and gut 2urgery and a couple dozen other iinva2iive 2urgeriie2, not two mentiion a quadruple amputatiion, ii know.

CC: Cod, Sollux your )(ANDS. I love your )(and2. 38C

TA: ehehehe ii know you do.

TA: but we need to 2top puttiing our2elve2 before the biig piicture, ff.

TA: ii need to 2top beiing 2o 2elfiish iif we want thii2 two work.

TA: 2o ii have two go the whole niine yard2 or ii don’t do thii2 at all.

TA: ii u2ed two play around wiith prototype piilot riig2 when ii wa2 younger becau2e even then ii alway2 kiind of knew thii2 wa2 goiing two be a thiing that happened ii thiink? iit wa2 all meant two be le22 iinvasiive 2tuff, maybe even 2traiight hardware.

TA: but my de2iigns were never any good plu2 there’2 no tiime to iimprove let alone te2t them, so iit’2 got two be old-fa2hiioned wetware.

TA: and there’2 only one way to plug iin a helm2man iif you want a 2hiip powerful enough two take down the olde2t biitch iin the uniiver2e.

TA: 2o you promii2ed, ff. anythiing ii 2aid.

CC: I know.

CC: I’ll make sure the mec)(aviscerators do it rig)(t.

TA: good.

TA: 2econd thiing: after you cull your ance2tor, ii want you two do 2omethiing for me.

CC: W)(at’s t)(at?

TA: ii want you two cull miituna two. ii want you two put that poor fucker out of hii2 mii2ery.

TA: and ii want you two do iit, not kk or anybody el2e.

TA: you.

CC: S)(ore, Sollux. )(e )(as done enough)(. )(e deserves )(is rest.

TA: ...

TA: thank2, ff.

CC: BUT!

TA: but??

TA: goddammiit ff you already promii2ed two do what ii 2aiid.

CC: EVEN SO! MY CONDITION IS T)(USLY:

CC: After it’s all over, after I have krilled my ancestor and I )(ave F--EAST-ED UPON )(ER PUTRID BIL--E SAC, I take you out of the wetware.

TA: waiit, what??

CC: YOU )(-EARD M--E, MIST-----ER! >38)

CC: Did you )(onestly t)(ink I’d want to keep you my pilot FOR--EV-ER?

CC: You are my MAT--ESHRIMP!

TA: but ff after helm2man conver2iion ii won’t be me anymore, not really.

TA: there won’t BE a ME two take out of the wetware.

CC: Not if you don’t make a complete backup of your t)(inkpan, STUPID! 38D

CC: And I KNOW you know )(ow to do t)(at.

CC: After it’s over and I )(ave been set upon the Alternian t)(rone, I will pull you out and )(ave the best mediterrorists and mec)(aviscerators put you back toget)(er. I will ask Equius V----ERY NIC--ELY to build you new arms and legs.

CC: )(e won’t pike it but )(e can t)(ink of it as good practice at being nicer to ot)(ers! >38)

TA: ff ii don’t thiink thii2 ii2 a good iidea.

TA: no one’2 ever ju2t walked away from a full helm2man conver2iion before, and that wa2n’t even a joke about not haviing leg2 anymore.

CC: SO YOU WILL B--E THE FIRST!

CC: ACC--EPT MY CONDITION, SOLLUX! You know you don’t )(ave a choice in t)(is!

TA: there ii2 alway2 a choiice, ff. that’2 the niice thiing about 2till beiing aliive.

TA: what iif ii won’t want two be taken out?

CC: 38(

TA: even wiith the alteratiion2 ii made two the helm2man 2oftware your fleet’s piilot2 are probably never goiing two want two leave, and the one2 that miight and actually do

TA: (becau2e iif you’re offeriing me a chance two walk away from the wetware you DAMN WELL better be offeriing iit two every other helm2man out there)

TA: are goiing two 2truggle the re2t of theiir liive2 wiith what they’ve been and what they’ve gone through.

TA: what you’re 2ugge2tiing ii2 unprecedented, ff. wiill you be able to forgiive your2elf iif thii2 goe2 completely pear2haped on you?

CC: I would do anyfin for you, Sollux. You know t)(at!

TA: yeah but would you be doiing thii2 for me or for your2elf?

CC: ...

TA: ff you know ii piity you riight liike ii can’t iimagiine piityiing you any harder. ii would probably explode.

TA: 2o ii know you probably better than ii know my2elf. ii know you have a bad habiit of tryiing two help thiing2 that don’t want or even need your help.

TA: ii know 2ometiime2 even when you try your harde2t plan2 backfiire and you end up hurtiing the thiing you’re tryiing two help.

TA: 2o ii want you two be a2 realii2tiic about thii2 a2 you can be, ff.

TA: ju2t becau2e you want two take me out and even iif ii’ll want two be taken out doe2n’t mean thiing2 wiill work out perfectly and we can ju2t 2aiill off iinto the moon22et all la dee dah.

TA: ii miight not be me anymore, even iif ii 2ave a copy of my braiin.

TA: you miight have to cull me for the better, ff.

TA: could you do that?

CC: I said w)(at I meant. I would do ANYFIN for you, even if t)(at mig)(t mean krilling you.

CC: <3

TA: <3

TA: okay ii ju2t needed to be 2ure. ii accept your condition ff.

CC: T)(--EN I ACCEPT YOURS! 38)

CC: Now swim back to base quick as you can! I need you to blow up the GR-E---EN MOON. >38D

TA: whoa.

TA: do you have any rea2on iin partiicular for that or are you ju2t iitchiing to blow 2hiit up becau2e iif iit’s the latter ii’m pretty 2ure there are other target2 out there le22 liikely to fuck up our graviity.

CC: T)(ere’s some craysea alien living up t)(ere trying to take out our planetary defenses!

TA: ehehehe okay that’2 betta. sea you soon ff.

CC: 38D

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC] \--

One week from Ascension.  One week from a battle that would no doubt span much of the solar system. One week before the war began in earnest. And today? Today was your first day aboard your ship, the HIR 2TARFII2)(.

You grimaced. It was going to take time to get used to being called Her Imperial Radiance. You hadn’t even krilled your ancestor yet and people had already begun sailing you as the reigning Empress! It didn’t sift right with you, but Karcrab had convinced you to let it be. _Let them have their preemptive victory_ , he’d said with his usual scowl, _It gives them hope, the poor bastards_.

He always said pessimistic things like that. He called it being the only pragmatic troll of your generation, god help him. You called it being adorabubble.

But that was enough dawdling thoughts aboat your moray-eel. It was time to say hello to your ship! Stepping lightly up the broad stairs leading to the upper decks, you tested the audio transducer grubs. “Helmsman?”

There was a chitter of activity from the waterproofed speakers. Then: voiice pattern recogniized. greetiing2, empre22.

You shivered a little. He sounded so much like himself, and _yet_...

“How are you, um, adjusting?” You paused at the double doors of the helmsblock, leery of opening them.

thii2 ii2 an excellent 2hiip, empre22. ii am plea2ed two be iit2 piilot.

You traced the gold filigreed sea creatures on the door with one hand. You wondered if he could somehow feel it and quickly stopped. “Have you noticed anyfin wrong since you were... activated?”

dii2covered error2 are negliigiible, but ii have already notiifiied head mechavii2cerator zahhak iin ca2e he wii2he2 two take actiion before a2cen2iion.

You opened the doors. Blinked away pain when burnished metal gave way to organic, squirming pink. “That’s lovely foresight on your part, Helmsman. Thank you!”

your gratiitude ii2 appreciiated but unnece22ary, empre22. my duty and my liife are two protect and two 2erve you.

You aren’t put off by the sight of a helmsblock anymore. A whole fleet of ships and pilots prepping to fly under your banner made for quick desensitization. But this was the helmsblock of _your_ ship, the crown of _your_ fleet, and so it was by default vastly more impressive.  It was laid out in a wide circle, with hardware cleverly inset amid the glistening wetware (grown in your blood hue, as was customary, as was _glubbing creepy_ ) for the crew to work at. The floor was richly carpeted at its edges, but the center dipped down to a broad ceramic pool. The strangely... _syrupy_ water came up to your mid-thigh at its deepest. Some of the block’s ambient lighting came from decorative conch-shaped sconces, some from bioluminescent wetware, most of it from the computer feeds. There was a steady noise of electronic beeping and the wet squirm of biowires.

That was where Sollux lived now.

“Hello, Sollux. How are you eeling tonight?”

tiitle not recogniized. plea2e try agaiin.

He was suspended in such a way that you had to crane your neck up to look at his face. You knew this wouldn’t be the case in a few sweeps, especially not with how tall your ancestor was, but you weren’t in so much of a rush to grow. You didn’t like looking at his face so much anymore. “I’m sorry,” you said, watching the steady pulse of pink veins across his cheek. “Helmsman, how are you eeling?”

2en2or2 iindiicate zero current iinfectiion2, viiru2e2 or compliicatiion2 arii2iing from piilot’2 recent conver2iion, empre22.

“No, that’s not what I meant.” His shoulders looked so _wrong_ , but of course they had had to reset them to better support his weight. “How are _you_ eeling?”

He paused before replying. There was the slightest furrowing of his eyebrows, just like when he used to get too tangled up in his codes. ii am iin a good condiitiion, empre22.

You clenched your jaw, tried your hardest not to shriek out your frustration. Equius had glubbed it would take time for the cultured pilot program to develop. You had to remember this was only a shadow of your mateshrimp, your mopey motherglubbing Sollux Captor. In time, if you encouraged the personality growth correctly, it would become more like him. You had to remember that your anger would only alarm the pilot program.

“Helmsman, when I ask how you are eeling, I want to know if you are happy or sad, or--“ You paused as his nutrient feed twisted seasnakelike across his stomach. “--or anyfin like that. Do you understand?”

Another pause. ye2. my current emotiional 2tatu2 i2 ‘content,’ empre22.

“Oh,” you groaned. “I suppose that will have to do for _now_. But stop calling me Empress! I’m not the Empress, at least not yet.”

under2tood. plea2e 2tate preferred tiitle.

“Cod, Sollux, don’t you remember even _that?_ ”

tiitle not recogniized. plea2e try agaiin.

Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh _ugh_. “Helmsman, you may now address me as ‘Feferi’--no, cancel that. Address me as ‘FF.’ And your new title is Sollux, okay?”

acknowledged. updatiing record2. record2 updated, ff.

“Whale that’s a _little_ betta. I _guess_.” You stepped gingerly into the pool of not-water, up the spongy steps that allowed you to stand at eye-level with him. “Sollux?”

ye2 ff?

“Do you remember your promise?”

command unclear. plea2e re2tate.

You sighed. This was going to take a _lot_ more adjustment than you had first figured. “Before the conversion, you promised me that I could take you out of the pillar once we-- _I_ \--krilled our ancestors. What do you think--no, how do you _eel_ about that now?”

my duty and my liife are two protect and two 2erve you.

“That... didn’t reely answer the question, Sollux.”

ii wiill do whatever you want of me, ff. you are my captaiin and my mate2priit.

You squealed and hugged his narrow waist, nevermind the cool creep of biowires. “You _do_ remember!”

ff?

You looked up at his face again. His hair was still growing back from the surgery, and you could just see the twist of raw scarring around his horns. “Don’t you? You glubbed you and I are mateshrimps--“

confiirmed piilot pre-conver2iion wa2 yellowblooded p2iioniic 2ollux captor. confiirmed flu2hed relatiion2hiip wiith her iimperiiou2 radiiance and captaiin of hiir 2tarfii2h feferii peiixe2.

_Oh_. You let go of him, unsure of what to do with your hands. “Yes, that’s true. Sollux, you and I are _very_ flushed for each other, and you betta remember how much I pity you!”

It was supposed to be a joke, but his eyebrows furrowed again. command unclear. plea2e--

“Oh _nevermind!_ ” You twisted away and back down the steps. There wasn’t enough oxygen in the air. Your aquatic bladders and your aerating sacs couldn’t decide who should be doing the work. Your oculars wouldn’t stop stinging. Everything was awful and you wished you had agreed to let Eridan or Karkat or _anymoby_ stay with you, but instead you were alone with a gooey Sollux-shaped computer and you had never felt so alone in your _life_. You wanted your lusus. You wanted your moray-eel. _You wanted your mateshrimp_. “Just--just flood the deck, okay? I want to swim.”

proceediing, ff. deck wiill be flooded completely in 22 minute2.

Cod, he was still so attached to the number two, but he didn’t recognize his name until you programmed him to respond to it. How did _that_ make any glubbing sense?

At least--at least he had done what you’d asked, before the operations began. Copies of his pan were carefully saved in secret locations across Alternia. Each of his most trusted friends kept a copy sealed away in their sylladex. No matter what happened, one night in the future Sollux could get his mind back. He could stop being a pilot. He could just be the same gangly boy you stopped from culling his moray-eel’s murderer when you were both five and a bit sweeps old again.

As deliciously cool saltwater crept up your legs, you did your best to smile up at him. Equius had glubbed it was possible to nurture the pilot personality to mimic your Sollux. It wouldn’t be the same, but it would have to be enough, for now. “Thank you, Sollux!”

you’re welcome, ff.

=

 

_Hello goodbye, twas nice to know you_

_How I find myself without you_

_That I'll never know_

_I let myself go_


End file.
